A Guide to Being a Fascist Racist Bigot Patriot (?).

·        Start the day with a full English breakfast until you remember your wife has left you for a Polish plumber.

·        Have a packet of crisps for your breakfast.

·        Jump in your van, flatbed truck, or salesman’s saloon, and look at the pictures in The Sun newspaper, you tossed onto the dashboard yesterday,

·        Ogle the picture of the barely legal, topless women on page three and ponder whether you have time to pop back indoors and have a wank.

·        Tune your radio to Dogwhistle Radio.

·        Listen to the presenter complaining about the BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) while nodding in agreement and muttering angrily “BBC, bunch of commie lefties”.

·        Wind down the window and sexually harass a young girl who is obviously a schoolgirl. The school uniform being the clue.

·        Get angry with young girl when she doesn’t smile at you and show any  gratitude for your attentions, before informing her “what she needs”.

·        Stop at newsagent, park on yellow lines, and buy The Sun.

·        Resent the Asian man that serves you.

·        Ogle picture of barely legal topless women on page three.

·        Carry out job of work whilst complaining that wages have been suppressed, working conditions have deteriorated and workers’ rights have been stripped away. Take the cowards way out by blaming immigrants rather than exploitative employers.

·        Complain that trade unions have too much power and ‘hold the country to ransom’.

·        Shout at person in street, who isn’t white, “to go home” while reminding them, “that’s what we voted for”.

·        Tell work colleagues, or a stranger, how “that Theresa May knows what she’s talking about when she talks about patriotism”.

·        Tell a joke, to work colleagues, about how Scottish First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon hasn’t got any kids because she’s obviously a lezza.

·        Tell a joke about how that immigrant loving kraut, Angela Merkel, hasn’t got any kids because she’s obviously a lezza.

·        Go quiet, and hope nobody remembers that Theresa May hasn’t got any children.

·        Sexually harass two attractive women before shouting, after they’ve rebuffed you, to “go back where you came from” when you realise “they’re talking foreign”.

·        Ring estranged 16-year-old daughter.

·        Ogle picture of barely legal topless girl in paper.

·        At least three times a day, blame everything that is crap about your life on foreigners or people that look foreign.

·        Never blame anything that is crap about your life, on the right wing, predominately foreign owned, racist spewing press/media, or opportunistic politicians.

·        During the day, tell at least three people that you think Donald Trump seems to know what he’s talking about.

·        Mistakenly tune radio to BBC.

·        Shout at radio.

·        Remind yourself to watch The Great British Bake Off tonight.

·        Retune radio to Dogwhistle Radio.

·        Nod head in agreement with the burkini being banned whilst getting angry when western women are required by law to wear the hijab in some Arab countries.

·        Listen to presenter doing the work of Rupert Murdoch by criticising the BBC.

·        Agree with the presenters’ idea that all foreign workers should wear some sort of marking on their clothing. Maybe a yellow star.

·        Straighten Cross of St George seat covers.

·        Stare angrily at a black man.

·        Shout “go back where you came from” before staring, blank and confused, when he replies, in a Birmingham accent “What, Solihull”.

·        Buy coffee from non-tax paying conglomerate.

·        Resent being served by a foreigner.

·        Jump in vehicle of choice, probably foreign made.

·        Complain about potholes and wonder where our taxes are spent. Blame immigrants.

·        Don’t forget to differentiate between the good foreigner (White South African, Australian, North American, Kiwi) and the bad foreigner (Eastern European, Asian, middle eastern, South American and African, particularly North African).

·        Agree with yourself that this country is turning into a shithole and that it’s all the fault of Muslims.

 ·     Throw empty coffee cup, from non-tax paying conglomerate, out of vehicle window and into hedge.

 

·        Reminisce about the Empire at least once during the day.

 

·        Resent a disabled person.

·        Feel superior by laughing at a homeless person.

·        Admire attractive woman while wondering why she’s dressed like a slut.

·        Try to ring daughter again.

·        Tell any work colleagues, who will listen, that you can’t say what you want these days.

·        At least twice a day, dehumanise a foreigner. Like the Nazi’s did to the Jews. (note to Author: you’re not allowed to mention the Nazi’s. It upsets the Nazi’s Patriots).

 

·        At least once a day yearn for the days when Britain was British. When there was a copper on every street and a porter on every train platform. When you could put up signs saying “no blacks, no Irish, no dogs”, or when the Tory’s could use an election slogan saying “If you want a ni**er for a neighbour vote Labour, or P*ki bashing was considered a legitimate weekend pastime and when women knew their place.

·        Mention ‘political correctness gone mad’ at least three times during the day, that freedom of speech doesn’t exist anymore in Britain and then scream for someone who has said something you disagree with, to be sacked. 

 ·      At least once a day whine on about ‘do gooders’ and anybody who has the temerity to care about the plight of others.

·        Complain about the Human Rights Act unless of course your human rights are being breached, because your human rights are really important whereas you don’t give a toss about anybody else’s because you're a self serving hypocrite.

·        Complain that the person who wrote this blog is a traitor and should be shot or hung, or both, because he or she has a point of view which you don’t agree with.

·        Go to pub. Stand at end of bar.
 

This guide is not exhaustive and is supposedly humorous. If you don’t laugh, it means I’m writing about you.

If you read this article and just feel sad, it is perfectly understandable.

Although this blog is male-centric, female Fascist Racist Bigot Patriots are also available. Go to katiehopkins@vile&hateful.co.uk.

 

 

“Cowards always punch downwards. Heroes always punch upwards.”